Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
