Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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