i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Randomize
