Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
