don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
