I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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