Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
