I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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