we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
