hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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