I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
