If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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