I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
