No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
home. puking in laundry basket.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Randomize
