Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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