She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
