My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
