What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
