Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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