so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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