I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
