And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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