I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
