Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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