So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
