You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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