My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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