I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
