I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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