when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
