My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I see more hoeing in ur future
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