Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
