Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
