I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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