1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
