I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
