John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
