wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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