i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
