im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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