I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
