I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
