I am puke
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
