i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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