five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
