just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
