So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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