She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
