one two three fourrrrnication!
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
