Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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